A weekend check-in
Dec. 6th, 2020 01:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reillyeileen A week ago today I had an agitating interaction with a random stranger that, somewhat inexplicably, sent me into a pretty scary depressive spiral. I spent about 36 hours in a state of what felt like light catatonia, mostly not moving, mostly not feeling but also constantly crying. My brain went places it hasn't been in a long time.
The good news is that my new therapist is the B E S T and we had a very helpful session talking about it later in the week. One of the things they noted, towards the end, is that I don't seem to have had a felt experience of happiness, at least not in the last decade or so, one that lasts longer than a few hours at a time. My default state is a low one. BUT, we also agreed that I'm going to try medication soon, and the prospect of that is extremely ... lifting? It's nice to imagine that there are other ways of being.
Some good things: I slept in this morning and my eye has stopped twitching. Today was day 36 of my run streak; my legs are tired but I can tell my lungs are functioning better. I can feel it when I'm singing and that is a real tangible win. I cleaned out my fridge. My brother tested positive for COVID recently but no longer has a fever, is feeling better and is out of quarantine. I did laundry yesterday and now all my white tshirts are clean again. Nikson and I had an overdue conversation about how much we are both in need of more space, so for Christmas we are giving each other separate weekends away for a staycation. This means that in January I'll spend my first weekend alone at home with the puppy, and I am both already nervous and excited to spend that much time alone in my own head. I feel grateful to be able to speak honestly about what I need, even if it takes me 47 times longer than it should have, even if it's really, really scary. After much hemming and hawing and comparing, I bought a pair of AirPods, and they have drastically improved my quality of life the past couple days. My dog is sleeping on me and that just doesn't get old.
The good news is that my new therapist is the B E S T and we had a very helpful session talking about it later in the week. One of the things they noted, towards the end, is that I don't seem to have had a felt experience of happiness, at least not in the last decade or so, one that lasts longer than a few hours at a time. My default state is a low one. BUT, we also agreed that I'm going to try medication soon, and the prospect of that is extremely ... lifting? It's nice to imagine that there are other ways of being.
Some good things: I slept in this morning and my eye has stopped twitching. Today was day 36 of my run streak; my legs are tired but I can tell my lungs are functioning better. I can feel it when I'm singing and that is a real tangible win. I cleaned out my fridge. My brother tested positive for COVID recently but no longer has a fever, is feeling better and is out of quarantine. I did laundry yesterday and now all my white tshirts are clean again. Nikson and I had an overdue conversation about how much we are both in need of more space, so for Christmas we are giving each other separate weekends away for a staycation. This means that in January I'll spend my first weekend alone at home with the puppy, and I am both already nervous and excited to spend that much time alone in my own head. I feel grateful to be able to speak honestly about what I need, even if it takes me 47 times longer than it should have, even if it's really, really scary. After much hemming and hawing and comparing, I bought a pair of AirPods, and they have drastically improved my quality of life the past couple days. My dog is sleeping on me and that just doesn't get old.
